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Love you always, my handsome nutbar  

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Sounds

Some are haunted by smells… I am haunted by sounds. 

…I can still hear myself screaming at the top of my lungs upon finding my husband dead… I can still hear the policeman tell me that despite all efforts, they were unable to revive him… I can still hear my mother bawling when first hearing the news… Everyday I hear these sounds, along with the silence that now hangs thickly in the air of our home…

…I miss his voice, his sweet words, his regular giggles and full-out belly laughs… I miss his ‘I love you’s and his quick witted remarks, his cheesy jokes and his footsteps while running to kiss me… I miss his mini snores, the sound of him breathing beside me at night, and his heartbeat…

Love you every day, Lover, mykylyhycwy

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Today I went browsing through furniture stores; it’s something we liked to do now and then to get inspired with ideas. I came across this picture on the wall and couldn’t stop staring at it. I couldn’t figure out if I loved it or hated it. To me, it represented where we now stand… In the rain, looking upon the grey ahead, nothing clear in sight. We may look put-together, but to the one who pays attention, our shoelace is untied representing how we quietly unravel behind closed doors. Our only protection is this flimsy umbrella which regularly gets turned insideout at the slightest gust.

I continued on in the store and was approached by a salesman who couldn’t have seen me snap the photo of the art based upon where it/he was located. He asked me if he could ask my opinion and if I liked yellow… He then took me over to the very same artwork and explained that he was debating on purchasing it for his wife but was unsure if he should since art is subjective. I was stunned and couldn’t provide him with my opinion except to say maybe he should provide her an option by taking photos of a few.

As I carried on through the store, I wondered what he saw in the artwork and why he would think to purchase it for his wife of all people…. I presume it also appears calming, perhaps the world washing away and the yellow presenting happiness glowing through…? Perhaps a reminder of playing in puddles as a child…? I thought perhaps I should ask him his thoughts or tell him what it portrayed to me and kept an eye out for him the rest of my time in the store, but it’s as if he vanished as quickly as he appeared…

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Trying to remain positive, but I hate this new life. I hate that I go to bed and wake up without the love of my life laying next to me. I hate that he’s not here for meals. I hate that we don’t get to go for date nights anymore. I hate that I don’t get to kiss him and hold him. I hate that I don’t get to hear him laugh and dance around the room with him. I hate that we can’t tell one another about our day. I hate that I don’t get to hear his giggle when he’s reading something funny. I hate that I don’t get to have a future with him. I hate that our children will never be. I hate that we don’t get to go on any more adventures again. I hate that he’s dead. 

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I have known for some time that the bedroom decor needed changing but didn’t feel ready to do anything about it. Today I made a big step by researching online to find inspiration. …I wasn’t inspired in the least, but it was a step. I know I will need to walk the stores, feel the fabrics, test the furniture, etc. to see what feels right for me. I hate that it’s only my bedroom now…. But I may as well decorate it as such. 

I’ve been having more meltdowns again lately. Reminding myself that we can only live one day at a time, and even within it, we can only live the current minute. 

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Sitting here beside my husband’s photo while reading through my posts from one year ago… There are some positives to take…

I don’t have screaming matches with myself nearly so often… I think the main reason for that is that I make plans to be away regularly so that I don’t have to be home alone for too many days in a row. I am crying every day that I am home alone; typically multiple times… I am assuming the time of year has something to do with that, but from what I remember of the past 4 months this has been the norm. 

I look better… I have managed to gain a few pounds (still underweight) and my face isn’t so gaunt. People I meet do not immediately recognize the utter sadness I feel every day. From what I understand, I have managed to fool many people I am surrounded by on a daily basis into believing that I am a normal person. Most do not know of my personal life. 

I have strategies… Or a least I think I do… Despite feeling utterly lonely and heartbroken, I distract myself with tasks or new skill-building. (Speaking of which, I am in need of a new distraction project if any of you have some brilliant ideas for me!)

I am more able to smile… However that has happened, I am glad for it… It feels good to smile and laugh and forget about how harsh life is…if even for a brief moment. 

I still love love love love him with all of my heart and soul, and I would still marry him every single day. I love you, Lover!