Shit People Say… To Widow(er)s.

-“He/she would want you to be happy.”
Response: Yes, …EVENTUALLY… However he/she would completely understand that it’s not a possibility at this time. Stop trying to rush me through my grief.

-“You’re young and pretty, you’ll marry again.”
Response: I searched years to find my one soul mate… My one true love… The love of my life… And you think that I can just “find” another? Why would I want to marry again? I already married the most wonderful person I could even imagine. Why does my happiness, in your eyes, have to be tied to another man/woman?

-“It’ll all get better with time.”
Response: Time… Fucking time. Time that stole our spouses from us. Time that taunts us. All we have is time, and we don’t want it. We just want to be with our spouses.

-“He/she’s in a better place.”
Response: There was no better place for our spouses than right here in our loving arms.

-“How are you?”
Response: How the fuck do you think I am? I have lost the love of my life. I have lost my future, my hopes, my dreams… There wasn’t one individual who died, there were two – only I am stuck here on this side living a façade.

-“I’m here for you – whenever you need, just let me know how I can help, day or night.”
Response: It’s nice if you mean it… And yes we know you think you mean it…, but it’s not realistic. Tell us what you can do for us (and are actually willing to!): “I will cook freezer-friendly meals to bring over every Wednesday”, “I will vacuum your home once per week until you ask me to stop”, “I am (honestly, without cancelling) able to come visit each Monday at 5pm”…
Any time day or night… Really? Because your life is going to continue and your life is going to be busy… How are you legitimately going to be available for me “at any time”/”whenever you need”? Again, be realistic!

-“I’m sorry, something came up and I can’t make it to visit (within a couple hours of your arrival)”
Response: I am already depressed, I am already suicidal,… And you’re going to cancel on me because ‘something came up’? Sounds very important when you are unable to tell me why I’m going to be left sitting on my own for additional unplanned hours, when I’ve already been crying for the last 6.

– “You should … ” (followed by anything)

Response: No… We need to do what is best for us, when it is best for us, when we feel that we can. Don’t pressure us into thinking/feeling/doing. Don’t rush us through our grief. It is hard enough for us to simply survive at this stage; we don’t need your unexperienced position forced down our throats. We will do what we can, when we can, WHEN WE’RE READY.

– “He/she would want…” (followed by anything)

Response: Stop putting words in their mouths in an attempt to push us into doing what you think is best. I’m fairly certain that we knew our spouses better than you did. Yes, we know they want us to eventually find happiness, to eventually learn how to live again… But in our own time / when we’re ready / when we’re able. 

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