900 ….900.

How could I possibly survive a single day without you here… how could it possibly be 900 days since we got to hold one another and say I love you… I miss you dearly, Lover. I miss you every day and every night. Nothing and no one could ever compare to you. My love for you burns just as strongly as it did the day you were taken. 

I questioned a lot in the early days, and still do, of how to do this… how do you live when the love of your life has passed. I still question though know there is no answer. I remember going to the bookstore within the first six months and searching the grief section for something to hold on to, something to guide me through and give me hope. Instead, I left in even more tears, with no answers and no understanding. There are no answers to give. Simply the clinging to whatever is left, whatever you can, to make it to the next day. I still question what for… why would one be left?  How could there possibly be anything in this world for me? How could it be possible that that was the end of his life? Wasn’t there still so much for him to be here for? Wasn’t I enough? I know he didn’t have a choice, yet it remains to feel so unfair. Life is unfair. I learned that at a young age. Yet death is unfair as well. Evading those who yearn it while attacking others unexpectedly. Lurking around the corners. No one is safe. 

I think of how many people have gone through this sort of journey, of losing their most precious person in the universe… how did they make it through? What makes this journey so different from theirs? Everything and nothing. …Absolutely everything …yet astoundingly nothing. I am so sorry that anyone else must feel this pain. None of it is fair, none of it is just…. it simply is. 

I didn’t really understand how widows would state, “the sorrow simply becomes a part of you and you learn to live with it.” How fucking cruel is this world?! You learn to live with a broken heart. You learn to live with a gaping hole in the remainder of your life. You learn that life continues on without the most crucial part. ….I don’t even think we learn that…. it just happens because we have no choice in the matter. I understand them now, yet hate the reality. Who couldn’t. 

I still expect him to come home, to be beside me when I wake, to be able to answer my incessant ‘I love yous’. I hope he knows how much I continue to love him. Yet I hope he does not have to feel this pain of separation, or bang his head against the wall in watching me falter my way through the remains. I still have no idea of what my beliefs are. I want him to exist somewhere so we could be together again. I don’t know how he, the love of my life, could simply cease to exist in any form whatsoever, aside from memories. Yet I do not understand how he could be elsewhere. 

I want to hold you, Honey… I want to hold you and never let you go. My love will not falter or fade. You burn within me with every second I must face in this world without you.