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Today I went browsing through furniture stores; it’s something we liked to do now and then to get inspired with ideas. I came across this picture on the wall and couldn’t stop staring at it. I couldn’t figure out if I loved it or hated it. To me, it represented where we now stand… In the rain, looking upon the grey ahead, nothing clear in sight. We may look put-together, but to the one who pays attention, our shoelace is untied representing how we quietly unravel behind closed doors. Our only protection is this flimsy umbrella which regularly gets turned insideout at the slightest gust.

I continued on in the store and was approached by a salesman who couldn’t have seen me snap the photo of the art based upon where it/he was located. He asked me if he could ask my opinion and if I liked yellow… He then took me over to the very same artwork and explained that he was debating on purchasing it for his wife but was unsure if he should since art is subjective. I was stunned and couldn’t provide him with my opinion except to say maybe he should provide her an option by taking photos of a few.

As I carried on through the store, I wondered what he saw in the artwork and why he would think to purchase it for his wife of all people…. I presume it also appears calming, perhaps the world washing away and the yellow presenting happiness glowing through…? Perhaps a reminder of playing in puddles as a child…? I thought perhaps I should ask him his thoughts or tell him what it portrayed to me and kept an eye out for him the rest of my time in the store, but it’s as if he vanished as quickly as he appeared…

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Trying to remain positive, but I hate this new life. I hate that I go to bed and wake up without the love of my life laying next to me. I hate that he’s not here for meals. I hate that we don’t get to go for date nights anymore. I hate that I don’t get to kiss him and hold him. I hate that I don’t get to hear him laugh and dance around the room with him. I hate that we can’t tell one another about our day. I hate that I don’t get to hear his giggle when he’s reading something funny. I hate that I don’t get to have a future with him. I hate that our children will never be. I hate that we don’t get to go on any more adventures again. I hate that he’s dead. 

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I have known for some time that the bedroom decor needed changing but didn’t feel ready to do anything about it. Today I made a big step by researching online to find inspiration. …I wasn’t inspired in the least, but it was a step. I know I will need to walk the stores, feel the fabrics, test the furniture, etc. to see what feels right for me. I hate that it’s only my bedroom now…. But I may as well decorate it as such. 

I’ve been having more meltdowns again lately. Reminding myself that we can only live one day at a time, and even within it, we can only live the current minute.