599

Sitting here beside my husband’s photo while reading through my posts from one year ago… There are some positives to take…

I don’t have screaming matches with myself nearly so often… I think the main reason for that is that I make plans to be away regularly so that I don’t have to be home alone for too many days in a row. I am crying every day that I am home alone; typically multiple times… I am assuming the time of year has something to do with that, but from what I remember of the past 4 months this has been the norm. 

I look better… I have managed to gain a few pounds (still underweight) and my face isn’t so gaunt. People I meet do not immediately recognize the utter sadness I feel every day. From what I understand, I have managed to fool many people I am surrounded by on a daily basis into believing that I am a normal person. Most do not know of my personal life. 

I have strategies… Or a least I think I do… Despite feeling utterly lonely and heartbroken, I distract myself with tasks or new skill-building. (Speaking of which, I am in need of a new distraction project if any of you have some brilliant ideas for me!)

I am more able to smile… However that has happened, I am glad for it… It feels good to smile and laugh and forget about how harsh life is…if even for a brief moment. 

I still love love love love him with all of my heart and soul, and I would still marry him every single day. I love you, Lover!

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2 thoughts on “599

  1. It’s wonderful to be able to look back on our posts and journal entries. Because it’s a reminder that although it might not feel like it, we have grown, we have changed, there are positives and beauty to be found.

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