Sitting here beside my husband’s photo while reading through my posts from one year ago… There are some positives to take…
I don’t have screaming matches with myself nearly so often… I think the main reason for that is that I make plans to be away regularly so that I don’t have to be home alone for too many days in a row. I am crying every day that I am home alone; typically multiple times… I am assuming the time of year has something to do with that, but from what I remember of the past 4 months this has been the norm.
I look better… I have managed to gain a few pounds (still underweight) and my face isn’t so gaunt. People I meet do not immediately recognize the utter sadness I feel every day. From what I understand, I have managed to fool many people I am surrounded by on a daily basis into believing that I am a normal person. Most do not know of my personal life.
I have strategies… Or a least I think I do… Despite feeling utterly lonely and heartbroken, I distract myself with tasks or new skill-building. (Speaking of which, I am in need of a new distraction project if any of you have some brilliant ideas for me!)
I am more able to smile… However that has happened, I am glad for it… It feels good to smile and laugh and forget about how harsh life is…if even for a brief moment.
I still love love love love him with all of my heart and soul, and I would still marry him every single day. I love you, Lover!
I hadn’t written much in a long while…. I haven’t known how…. So here it is.
Lost. Alone. Confused. Empty. Bare. Blank. Segregated. Lonely.
My life is running on empty and I cannot seem to put words to paper because the thoughts move too quickly through my mind.
Lost: I don’t know where I’m going or what I’m doing. I have no goals or dreams that seem worthwhile or meaningful. I pace this life in wait. …the only thing I think I’m waiting for is to be with my husband again. I don’t mean that in a suicidal manner. He still holds all of my hopes and dreams. How am I to fulfil any when I do not hold any myself.
Alone: I lay here alone where he used to lay beside me. I wish and sometimes pretend that he still does. I cannot imagine the rest of my life without him by my side; it is too crude of a thought to be a reality.
Confused: Why. How. Why why why. What am I supposed to do for the rest of my life when all I wanted for the rest of my life was to be with him and our children? It is still all that I wish for. I’ve been playing this game of ‘fake it til you make it’ in hopes of convincing myself that there is something else out there for me, something worth filling my days, something that would fulfil my days, my mind… I’m not fooling myself. Am I honestly fooling anyone?
Empty: I gave my husband my everything. Yes there is room for me to love, but my heart has already been given away. My soul has already met its match. My dreams have been crushed and I don’t have the power to create any more. I know how quickly they can be torn apart.
Bare: Naked to the world yet hiding out of fear. The cracks are showing and I lack the strength to patch myself as well as the trust to allow another.
Blank: This describes my future. It is a blank slate. A blank slate built on a faulty foundation. Empty of the necessities to build anyhow.
Segregated: Partially imposed; distrust and misguided trust. We lived in a quiet state of harmony. Now no one wishes to ‘intrude’, so they purely stay away; awaiting the response of ‘very well, thank you’ upon the lingering question of how I am. It’s no wonder the sea parts.
Lonely: Half of a pair. Half of a couple. Half of a whole. Incomplete. Missing my one and only. Missing my one true love. Missing my handsome hubby.