An Awkward Place

I’ve reached an awkward place that I never thought I would reach. I can remember crying of never wanting to reach this place, yet being here is, in a way, comforting. 

I have grown accustomed to waking up alone… To not speaking with anyone for much of the day… To making dinners for one more easily… To not going out on date nights… To shopping solo… 

On one hand, I don’t want to be in this place because it sounds as though I am ‘accepting’ that my Love has departed this world – something that I do not want to accept as a reality – his death is simply unfathomable… And on the other, it is appreciated to not have the unbearably excruciating pain every day of being left in this world without his presence. 

I love him and miss him with all my heart and soul; that will never stop. In the meantime, I sit in this awkward place that sounds (and is!) so lonely, yet now with an odd component of comfort. 

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One thought on “An Awkward Place

  1. It’s a weird place isn’t it? And hard for me. I am used to doing so many things on my own and spending time alone now. Most of the time I prefer my own company and can therefore be my own worst enemy. I’ve always been an independent person, even in my relationship with L before she died, but for whatever reason, being alone and on my own is so much harder now. Doing things on my own feels harder. And the scary thing is, I don’t know if I can even live alone again. Since she died, I have been house sharing which is far from convenient, but at the same time, I don’t think I can live alone again…at least not any time soon. Sometimes the depth of loneliness widows feel can only be understood by other widows.
    Hugs to you xx

    Liked by 1 person

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