I received an invite to a wedding today under the title of ‘Ms.’. I don’t know about the rest of you, but I find this very insulting. I know it was unintentional to insult, but I can’t help feeling that way. As if us as widows haven’t had enough bullshit, this is just another one to add to the list.
I didn’t divorce, I didn’t choose this, I simply was the one who didn’t die. Why should that make me into a Ms instead of the Mrs I consider myself?! It’s like my in-laws who insist on sending mail to me in my maiden name (how fucking insulting is that!!). I took my husband’s name upon marriage, I became a Mrs., and in no way should this stop me from remaining Mrs *enter husband’s name here*.
So Fuck ‘Em!! I’m a ‘Mrs.’ dammit, and no one can force me otherwise!
I’ve reached an awkward place that I never thought I would reach. I can remember crying of never wanting to reach this place, yet being here is, in a way, comforting.
I have grown accustomed to waking up alone… To not speaking with anyone for much of the day… To making dinners for one more easily… To not going out on date nights… To shopping solo…
On one hand, I don’t want to be in this place because it sounds as though I am ‘accepting’ that my Love has departed this world – something that I do not want to accept as a reality – his death is simply unfathomable… And on the other, it is appreciated to not have the unbearably excruciating pain every day of being left in this world without his presence.
I love him and miss him with all my heart and soul; that will never stop. In the meantime, I sit in this awkward place that sounds (and is!) so lonely, yet now with an odd component of comfort.
I created an award in my husband’s name at the local college. Tonight was awards night. I was the presenter of the award.
Last year as I sat through the awards ceremony, there were many new memorial awards. Having lost Mark just weeks prior, I was in tears the whole time and in awe of the family members who were able to stand in front of hundreds of people (despite crying) and express their love and honour of presenting in memoriam.
This year, it was my turn. I tried writing a speech last week and kept breaking into tears. Finally, I managed to get it together on Sunday eve while simply laying in bed. …Writing was hard enough… And the next step was presenting?! How in the world…!!
As expected, it was rough getting started when on the stage… I stammered and took a few moments before I was able to speak. Thank goodness I had my speech prepared so I could simply focus on reading. With many compliments after, I was told it was the perfect combination of love, tears, and humour; what a relief!
It was incredible to get to speak of Mark to so many people and ‘introduce’ them per se. …to speak of his passion and what an incredible man he will always be. …such an honour to be his wife and be loved by him.
I hope you felt truly honoured tonight, my Love…
All day, every day, always yours.