Needing and Wanting

I regularly get frustrated in both myself and others. I don’t want to rely on anyone because I don’t want to be disappointed. This leaves me in a bit of a tough spot… I know I cannot do everything on my own (need) and at times I don’t want to (want). At other times I want to say “fuck the world; I don’t need anybody in my life” and never let anyone in. I don’t know where the balance should be and I don’t know how to find one. 

The empty days still taunt me. The aloneness is too much to bear. I feel unwanted. Lost, alone, disconnected… I make plans with others but much of the time others do not make plans with me. I feel like an idiot, as if I’m imposing myself upon people who don’t want or need me. And let’s face it, they likely don’t need me. The only person I needed was my husband. The only person I want is my husband. I’m not sure how to live without him. I don’t want to live without him. I’m so fucking lost and miss him more than I can bear. 

I have no idea what to do; I know I need others to survive but my sense of abandonment, distrust, insecurity, and fear is so high. I don’t want to get knocked down when I’m already struggling to grasp at a hand up. 

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2 thoughts on “Needing and Wanting

  1. You are trying and doing your best. People sometimes don’t know what to say or do when you are a widow so they often do nothing. Please don’t give up, keep trying. And it’s perfectly ok to say “fuck it.”

    Liked by 1 person

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