Day 351: Two Weeks

In two weeks, the love of my life will have been gone for one full year. I don’t know how to even process it. He means the world to me and I’m lost without him. 

I read about some widows who sound inspired about finding and realizing their own dreams and goals… Frankly, I don’t have any. I accomplished many goals before getting married, and what remained was having a family with my husband, my most favourite person in the universe, my very best friend. We had been trying for two years without success. We’d been to doctors who continued to tell us we were both ‘normal’. Yet our most precious goal, never to be. 

Apparently, as it’s nearing 5am, I’m back to not sleeping through the night. I feel sick to my stomach most of the time, and I am losing weight again due to lack of intake. Instead of being able to focus on mental tasks, they leave me frustrated and upset. I thought I was past this… 

To top it off, it’s May. Fucking May. It is the worst month of every year and each year I dread what horror it brings. Last year I finally was beginning to think maybe May wasn’t going to be so bad. …and then its horror was by far the worst. I try to not relive those moments, yet they still creep in. I don’t know how to make them stop and the only advice I can get is to try to replace them with good memories. Every other memory with Mark was a good one. …I miss feeling his love. …I miss every single living moment with him. My heart aches. 

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