Day 351: So Lonely

There’s nothing like saying, “I’m so fucking sad and lonely.” Yet here it is: I’m so fucking sad and lonely. I don’t mean to be the victim, but I have no idea what to do about it. I have no idea how normal people meet normal people outside of online dating sites. (Let’s face it – many of them are not normal on there!) How do you make new connections in a town where you don’t have any, and in an age that is so distant, and when you are so depressed that you likely drive everyone away anyway?

My ‘friends’ have mostly disappeared – some to live their lives (can’t blame them), some to their assumption that I’m fine, some to their inability to put up with someone so heartbroken… In any case, I’m alone most of the time – at work and at home. It’s hard to bear so much aloneness. I have no confidant. I have no best friend. I am alone with myself and my thoughts. 

I am both working and studying, and debating on withdrawing from my course due to the mental incapacity to focus on it. …some days I have strength; today is not one of them. 

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8 thoughts on “Day 351: So Lonely

  1. Most people in my life have disappeared as well. My oldest friend (known her since 5th grade) had promised to help me go through things at the house. Instead she pushed up a planned move across the country nine months ahead of schedule saying “It is just time.” She assured me she would come back and help me, but yesterday she messaged me and asked how I was doing (for the second time since her November move) and asked if people were helpful and supportive of me. I responded “LOL, no. People disappeared many months ago.” Any offer of coming back to help was no longer extended. All I got was “Oh well, I wish you lived closer.” It is freaking lonely!

    I know it isn’t much, but use this blog as your confidant. We are reading, we are nodding along, and we do get it, even if we are miles apart. If I was nearby we’d get some coffee… and maybe spike it. 😉

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Definitely spiked.
    Thank you for your comments; it means a lot to know these posts are read and understood.

    (Your email address shows up along the bottom of the notice email when your comments through WordPress …do you mind if I email you?)

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Same here. People I’ve know forever completely disappeared from my life. Even my one surviving sibling still won’t talk to me. By the way people abandoned me you would think I had committed mass murder or something instead of losing my husband.

    It is so hard. And the loneliness is overwhelming.

    I’m so glad you and caps are back. You both got me through so many horrible days and nights. In fact you both were more of a friend to me than any of my friends. I think of you both so often. Hugs hugs hugs

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I just discovered this blog and can relate to so much, especially this post. It’s been just over 4 months and I’ve had many people fall off the radar. I’m sad to know it’s happening to others, yet relieved as I know it’s not just me. Maybe people feel helpless and they don’t know exactly what to do? But isn’t it pretty simple? Just be my friend/sibling like you were before. Yes it may require a little more effort and sometimes walking on egg shells, but in my opinion if you love someone enough you adapt and are there for them no matter what.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Goodness ladies don’t you know widowhood is contagious! People have no choice but to stay away! Who can blame them….
    Sorry I couldn’t resist. I am very fortunate that I have many people who were not just my friends, but “our” friends and I wouldn’t be standing let alone blogging right now if it wasn’t for them. Still I have to remember to reach out, just like Dave (despite after 23 years I thought he should be) they aren’t psyhic. Then there is the other lonely, for me at least, the Dave lonely. The lonely that no other person can fill, it is just being lonely for him. I am not sure that will ever pass, although not in the same way, there are many people I have and do long for. Sometimes and some circumstances call for a specific person that would only appreciate, enjoy, or pee their pants laughing at. Here is to another day that we did what we could, sometimes that is just getting up, sometimes that is making a post, and on some days I get a ton done – through it all and while I am not very good at it, I am just trying to practice self kindness. PS I think that instead of the $255 social security benefit we should all get 5 round trip plane tickets that never expire. That way we could travel to see others like us and hold there hand because we can hold it in a way no one else can.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Ah dating, that’s the bit I didn’t quite have the balls to spell out and part of my overwhelming perception of perpetual loneliness. Couldn’t agree more : online dating, yuk, makes me feel exposed and requires the screening out of people you wouldn’t normally look at twice. Meeting people face to face would be my avenue of choice, however I also live in a new town where I only really know mummy friends I met before my husband died. My exposure to single (and normal) men is very limited which only serves to feed my anxiety about the life ahead. Ah the joys!

    Like

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