I wrote this as a comment, but think it’s worth a post…
“I can’t know what my husband wanted for me or for anyone after his passing, but I know what I would want for him if I had been the one who passed.
I would expect him to be sad for quite awhile. I would expect him to be lost. I would expect him to move.
But more importantly, I would want him to find happiness somewhere, somehow, when he was able. As much as I couldn’t imagine him with anyone but me, I would want him to allow himself to love again eventually, because he was such an amazing man to love and his love meant the world to me. He made me the happiest I’ve been in my entire life.
….so what I am trying to do now, since I don’t know what his wishes were, is try to live what I would have wanted for him.
…easier said than done. I’m kicking and screaming every step of the way. I want him here. But fucking logic and life have their own ideas.
“I hate seeing you upset” he would say as his eyes welled with tears when I was down… If he’s anywhere, if he can see me, I don’t want to be crying all of the time. I want him to see the woman he fell head over heels for with that great smile on her face that lit up a huge smile on his. I want him to know that it’s okay for him to find peace, if possible. I am not a religious person, but I hope he exists somewhere besides our hearts and minds, and I cling upon hope that I can be with him again some day.”