To My Blogpals

Dear bloggers,

Sitting in shit alone is no fun. But playing in a pile of shit together can make the smell more bearable. 

Thank you for playing in the shit with me. 

The Garden

Last year one of our last household tasks together was getting the garden planted for the season. My husband, despite not being a green thumb and not liking most veggies, had some ideas on how to grow tomatoes better. Being frustrated with them from years prior, I left the tomatoes completely up to him. I remember his intent on picking out the best little tomato plant at the store, and I giggled as he built a mountain of dirt for his plant that towered above everything else in the garden. 

After he passed, I strictly followed his specific instructions on how to care for his plant. …although he didn’t get to witness his success, he was right – his plant grew to be approx 6 feet tall and had over 50 tomatoes at a given time that were huge. It needed 5 full sized tomato cages to hold it up! I was convinced he was giving it some special magic from beyond because in no world had I witnessed one grow so big. In only needing one single slice for a toasted tomato sandwich, there was definitely an overabundance. I was convinced that this was his way of making sure I ate, as I was having a hard time getting much of anything down but then was refusing to let a single tomato go to waste since he specifically grew this plant just for me. 

Normally I would start seeds in the house around March because I was too excited about spring approaching. Each day both of us would excitedly check what was growing and he would always ask me “how are your pea pods?” …this year I could not face planting any early in the house, despite that I rarely use the kitchen table anymore anyway. I didn’t know if I would be able to plant anything once the snow disappeared, so no sense in starting anything. 

I managed to get the front flowerbed taken care of – in his favourite colour. The garden, however, continued to sit in wait. 

Finally deciding to spruce up the back of the house with some flowers too, while at the store I came across some “big boy” tomatoes plants at a store we ironically always called Big Boy. How could I pass them up??? 

So flowers, herbs, citronella, cucumbers, zucchini, tomatoes and $100 later, I guess I was going to do it… I’ve never been too good at limiting myself with the garden and my husband would tease me about the ignored need to follow package instructions while planting. (The excuse of “but only half the seeds will actually grow” didn’t work past the first year and 60 zucchini later, lol.)

It’s taken me over a week to pluck up the courage but I am happy to announce that the garden has successfully been planted. The tomato plants are in his special spot and hopefully somewhat meet his specifications. 

Now the waiting game begins…
Love you honey bunny, always yours, mykylyhysycwy xoxoxoxoxo

Needing and Wanting

I regularly get frustrated in both myself and others. I don’t want to rely on anyone because I don’t want to be disappointed. This leaves me in a bit of a tough spot… I know I cannot do everything on my own (need) and at times I don’t want to (want). At other times I want to say “fuck the world; I don’t need anybody in my life” and never let anyone in. I don’t know where the balance should be and I don’t know how to find one. 

The empty days still taunt me. The aloneness is too much to bear. I feel unwanted. Lost, alone, disconnected… I make plans with others but much of the time others do not make plans with me. I feel like an idiot, as if I’m imposing myself upon people who don’t want or need me. And let’s face it, they likely don’t need me. The only person I needed was my husband. The only person I want is my husband. I’m not sure how to live without him. I don’t want to live without him. I’m so fucking lost and miss him more than I can bear. 

I have no idea what to do; I know I need others to survive but my sense of abandonment, distrust, insecurity, and fear is so high. I don’t want to get knocked down when I’m already struggling to grasp at a hand up. 

Property Wrath

The house next door is a rental. …a rental to students. There have been some good ones …and some bad ones of course…

Now, I grew up on a farm and due to trespassing hunters, everyone was very protective of their land. Evidently this protective nature has stuck with me and I get irked when our property or belongings are abused or put at risk. 

A few years ago Mark woke up to an empty bed and hearing my voice outside along with a bunch of half drunk students waiting for cabs… They had thrown their empties on our lawn and after my not being able to sleep for hours due to their partying, this was the final straw. I still remember standing out there in pjs yelling for them to shut up and stop throwing trash on other people’s property and Mark arriving at the door telling me to go inside and let him deal with them. 

Well… My fury escaped me again tonight while fireworks were set off 1-2 feet from our gazebo (with fabric covers). There were certainly no niceties from me or an attempt to speak calmly as Mark would do. There was also no Mark to calm me down or to tell me not to call the cops when the kids moved the fireworks to the driveway instead (mildly better but still completely stupid when there’s a big park only 100m away). 

…Just another reminder of how great he was to everyone despite their stupidity. I try to learn from him, but sometimes my fury gets the better of me. 

Day 365: One Year

It happened. Today, one year, came. As much as I wanted to avoid it, it came. The whole of yesterday and today felt surreal… as if my mind has sent me back into shock to protect me… Yes I cried, multiple times, but it’s nearing midnight and the date has almost come to a close. 

It feels like a moment ago…. It feels like a lifetime ago…. It feels like it were all a dream….

I don’t know what happens tomorrow or the following day or next year. I’ve been trained over the past year to only look at the current day, hour, minute, second… Whichever is possible at that very moment.

I do know that I love my husband more than anything or anyone in the entire universe and I will continue to beyond the day I die. I do know that he loved me more than anything in this world as well. 

I miss him. I miss getting to shower him in love. I miss feeling his love every single day. I miss everything about him, my very best friend. 

Day 362: Frozen Food Section

It’s Wednesday; I’m back to crying each day at the office. Luckily (?) I have an office with a door so I can hide. I’ve been struggling to eat again lately and the scale confirms it; less than 51kg. Today I took my mother to run some of her errands so figured I’d better pick up some prepared foods to make it more likely that I will eat something. I’m not ready to tell her that I’m unable to cook for myself again, though I’m pretty sure she already knows it. 

…then the frozen food isle comes. Despite that there’s nothing wrong with buying foods out of that isle, I typically don’t. Now, it breaks me to look at the pre-packaged foods knowing I must face them because I am unable to care for myself. …while knowing it doesn’t logically mean this, I feel like a complete failure. I have failed at the absolute basics of being able to feed myself, which just reiterates the fact that I am alone everyday in this new life with no one to care for me. 

Just to be clear, I don’t mean a ‘general care’… I mean to love, to live for, to everything or anything because you cannot imagine a second without them. 

…At least my anger over failure feelings managed to get the lawn mowed. Maybe I’ll gain an ounce of muscle. 

Day 360: There’s no 360…

There’s no 360 in 360. Determined to keep focused but it’s proving difficult. 

Mark was the one person I was able to rely on. These 360 days have certainly proven that with so many empty promises. Maybe it’s just me being stubborn or afraid of rejection, but I find myself doing things myself that I know I shouldn’t, that I know Mark wouldn’t have let me do on my own, that I know Mark took over so I wouldn’t end up in pain. 

I made it 2.5 hours into work before crying today. I’m only staying for the morning, so thankfully that’s almost through. 

Nothing to say except that I’m missing Mark so very dearly, and it hurts.