Day 347: Spring Cleaning

It’s been some time since writing… I would read but just couldn’t write.

It still hurts. A lot. 

Some days are better than others… Some days are worse than others. I have found that I can sometimes sense when I am about to break, but it still surprise-attacks me when I least expect it as well. 

In 18 days, it will be one full calendar year since the love of my life lost his life. It has been the hardest, saddest, loneliest, scariest, etc-iest year… I still don’t know if I will make it through the next day, yet tell myself that if I was able to survive these past 49.5 weeks (much to my surprise), that I will continue to survive another whether I want to or not. (And yes there are still days when I don’t want to)

I still don’t want to believe this is reality. Yesterday I walked around the house asking, “where are you?” on repeat as if Mark could summon some divine force to answer me. His belongings remain mostly where he left them; clothes hung in the closet, toiletry bag on the back of the toilet… Surely someday he may need them again…………… I so very much wish that were possible. 

I continue to try to keep myself busy so that I can keep myself partially sane. I signed up for a woodworking course and am enjoying the use of power tools. (When I needed to get out of the house over the past 6 months of frigid weather, I regularly ended up in the power tool department of a box store, so it’s a good fit.) Work has kept me occupied, however the schedules are changing there and that always plays havoc with my emotional wellbeing. 

Currently I am finding that all the tasks that need doing (general springtime stuff) is proving to be more difficult since they’re the last things that Mark and I did together. Cleaning the vehicles, planting the gardens, getting our bikes ready for the season, etc. To add to matters, I realized today while cleaning the vehicle that it was the last place where we were alive together. It was the last place we uttered the words “I love you”; the last place we kissed; the last place we sang together…. 

…and just like that, I’ve hit my wall… I miss him so very much and have no idea how the world could continue moving when his has stopped.