Day 262: Exhaustion

I’m not sure when I last didn’t feel exhausted. Physically, mentally, emotionally. On a positive note, I am functioning. It’s been hard to even imagine that “functioning” could be possible after the passing of my Mark. I don’t think I can ever accept what has happened, despite knowing it has, but I can go to work and cook for myself and even laugh again.

There are still days where grief squeezes me so tightly that I cannot breathe, but I try to focus on getting to the next minute, hour, or day in whatever way I can. In those moments it’s purely about survival (and consequently the inevitable questioning of what I am surviving for…); eventually and somehow, the minutes, hours, or day passes.

I have no goals, I have no dreams; they were buried with Mark. Someday I will figure out what I’m doing; just not yet, and it’s okay to not know right now.

I miss Mark every second of every day and desperately hope this new reality is not real. I love him with every bit of my soul and will continue to do so for the rest of time.

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2 thoughts on “Day 262: Exhaustion

  1. I understand all that you have expressed. It has been two years since my honey’s tragic passing, and although I have made some strides, I seem to slip back two steps for every one forward. My heart goes out to you. As I have expressed on my blogs, I can find joy in some special things in my life, but I do not feel joyful. My heart goes out to you and so many others experiencing grief.

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