Day 250: 250 Days of Widowhood

Has it really been 250 days?
How quickly and dramatically life can change.
How quickly and dramatically life can end.
How quickly and dramatically the world has turned inside-out, upside-down, and spun, swirled, and swivelled around.

I’m dizzy. I’m lost. I’m confused. Yet here I am, wandering this unknown and unwanted path without a clue of where I’m going or what lies ahead. Some days this fact scares me, bringing me to my knees. Other days I simply ride the waves while knowing there’s nothing I could have possibly done that could have changed what has happened. This also leaves me with the knowledge that there is much I cannot change for the future… I do not mean this in a helpless way, I mean this as a plain fact. There are things we cannot change; there are things we cannot control. As much as we like to think that we can always do something about anything, it is not realistic in thinking we can necessarily change the outcome. Again, not meaning this negatively, but I think many of us here can understand that. Regardless of the amount of hope, love, dreaming, or pleading, the outcome is where we stand, facing the reality of no control.

…So, as I mentioned, I walk this path through the dark, through the fog, through the storm, without control, without an idea of where this path goes, without my husband physically by my side… I have grown to hate the word ‘hope’ because ‘hope’ encompassed our unfulfilled goals and dreams…. but I hope this path has some clearing again one day. Until then, I continue to wander through the cloudy chaos of no control.

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