It’s been one hell of a busy week. We had many plans for the household, and this week I finally managed to finish them all by Friday evening. Again, yet another bittersweet moment… The tasks gave me something to focus on for extended periods, while also allowing me to complete things which we had planned together. …but let me tell you, it sucks large sitting here in a completed house all by myself. This isn’t how it was supposed to be enjoyed; we were supposed to be sitting here together admiring our work while dreaming up the next plan! It’s tough seeing some plans becoming a reality but not having anything that was reality remain the same.
My husband and I had an annual party each November, and this weekend was the date. Despite not feeling prepared to host it, I went ahead because it wasn’t about me, it was about him. This was his tradition that he shared with me in our life together as one, and I wasn’t about to break it. Leading up to the date I was so busy with the last of the household tasks and the party prep that I didn’t have much time to think about it, aside from waiting in grocery store checkouts, where I stood choking back tears at the additional realization of what this all meant. I had our shopping list from a few years ago and tried my best to make it authentic in preparing everything just as he did. (Mine wasn’t as good, but it was a fine first attempt!) The house was filled with a great group of friends who have offered and provided so much love and support over the past 6.5 months. I cannot thank them enough, and I cried in giving a toast to the love of my life. I love you, Mark, I hope I did you proud!
While surrounded by everyone this weekend, it was nice, for the first time since Mark’s passing, to feel like a normal person. I laughed, I cried, I drank, I played… I genuinely had a good time in our house, with our friends. All in all, it was horrible and frightening and amazing and so very needed, all at once. 30 solid hours of visitors (including kids!) did the soul some good after 197-8 days of excruciating sadness. I know the coming days will continue to be hard, but this was a victory.
Love you forever honey bunny, mykyly