Day 221: Parking Lots

Once again, I’m sitting in the vehicle in a parking lot crying. This is a regular occurrence where I break down in public and don’t feel it’s safe for me to drive yet. So here I sit. Waiting for some numbness to arrive so I can go curl up in a ball at home. There, I will just end up screaming. If I can pull myself together to go somewhere, it may be a better idea in the long run. ….but what the fuck does it matter anyway.

Day 212: Mirrors and Photographs

Wondering if anyone else has issues with mirrors…? Mirrors break me down. At times I avoid eye contact with myself. I find that my screaming sessions regularly occur when I have to face myself eye-to-eye. In these times, I get distraught seeing life in my eyes and seeing the memory of Mark’s eyes without. So unfair for someone so full of life to be without. He was my rock and my happiness; my everything.

I have a hard time with photographs at times as well. I recognize the moments and have the memories; it all seems a dream…. a dream better than I ever could have imagined… The couple looking back from the photographs is so blissfully happy, so deeply in love, and so unaware of future events.

Day 210: And Then There Was One… Just One.

I hadn’t thrown up in awhile… Scratch that record… After awhile on the floor, bawling and screaming, I finally managed to get myself into the bed. …as if I’m going to sleep now anyway, and the crying headache is beginning to set in.

I found old loving cards and flower notes where I wasn’t expecting.

Along with the never-ending list… No more special notes, no more special cards, no more special anythings. It’s just me here now. ….Just ….Me.

My heart physically pains. I wonder how it can continue to beat. Surely it can’t. Surely it won’t? Yet here I am. Again …Just Me…

I know there’s no rush, but how on earth am I ever supposed to go through everything in this house?

I feel trapped, I feel option-less, I feel so fucking alone. I miss my one and only. I miss my other half.

Day 209: A Ghostly Dream

He was back, he was here, he was carrying on as normal! And finally… he spoke within my dreams instead of just being present! It was odd and interesting the way he didn’t realize that others couldn’t see him; but upon realization, he decided it meant that he could get away without wearing a tie to work. (…odd…ties weren’t part of the dress code anyway.) Once dressed, it was time for him to drive… He was surprised to hear that the car he normally drove was sold. Maybe we could call his old carpool buddy here and he could hop in the vehicle…. Hmm easier said than done… Not only would we need to trick her into stopping here on the way to work, but on the way home as well so that he could unknowingly be dropped off. I insisted I could get to work easily enough without driving, so he could take the remaining vehicle. Of course I’ve moved some things around in the house, so I had to run about find his keys and ID for him. …since only I could see him, I wondered how it would appear – him driving into the office. Would others notice a vehicle seemingly driving itself? What about coworkers seeing his vehicle in the parking lot?

Yes… This is why his things stay where they were. In my mind, he’s here, he uses them, I just cannot see him. It’s why I kiss him good morning and kiss him goodnight. It’s why I speak to him aloud each day. Call me crazy, call me what you will. We are husband and wife, which even death cannot take away. It was amazing to see him and I lay here with a smile on my face that he’s with me. I love him with all my heart and soul. Miss you honey bunny!

Day 200: 200 Days of Missing You

It’s hard to believe it’s been 200 days…. So many days, and at the same time so short in the grand scheme…. Both sides of that sentence hurt.

I went to the cemetery after work…in the dark… kneeled by Mark’s graveside and cried in the snow.

I miss you sweetheart; I miss you every day and every night. I miss you at every moment. I love you as much today as I always have, every day since we became us. I will never stop.

Day 198: A House of Love & a Smile

It’s been one hell of a busy week. We had many plans for the household, and this week I finally managed to finish them all by Friday evening. Again, yet another bittersweet moment… The tasks gave me something to focus on for extended periods, while also allowing me to complete things which we had planned together. …but let me tell you, it sucks large sitting here in a completed house all by myself. This isn’t how it was supposed to be enjoyed; we were supposed to be sitting here together admiring our work while dreaming up the next plan! It’s tough seeing some plans becoming a reality but not having anything that was reality remain the same.

My husband and I had an annual party each November, and this weekend was the date. Despite not feeling prepared to host it, I went ahead because it wasn’t about me, it was about him. This was his tradition that he shared with me in our life together as one, and I wasn’t about to break it. Leading up to the date I was so busy with the last of the household tasks and the party prep that I didn’t have much time to think about it, aside from waiting in grocery store checkouts, where I stood choking back tears at the additional realization of what this all meant. I had our shopping list from a few years ago and tried my best to make it authentic in preparing everything just as he did. (Mine wasn’t as good, but it was a fine first attempt!) The house was filled with a great group of friends who have offered and provided so much love and support over the past 6.5 months. I cannot thank them enough, and I cried in giving a toast to the love of my life. I love you, Mark, I hope I did you proud!

While surrounded by everyone this weekend, it was nice, for the first time since Mark’s passing, to feel like a normal person. I laughed, I cried, I drank, I played… I genuinely had a good time in our house, with our friends. All in all, it was horrible and frightening and amazing and so very needed, all at once. 30 solid hours of visitors (including kids!) did the soul some good after 197-8 days of excruciating sadness. I know the coming days will continue to be hard, but this was a victory.

Love you forever honey bunny, mykyly