Day 178: Strength or Not

I can’t even imagine. You are literally one of the toughest people I think I have ever met

The above message was sent to me a week or so ago and I still question it. While I read your posts, I believe that I see the strength in them, yet at the same time fail to see the same in myself.

….what about this is strength? Is it simply getting out of bed in the morning? How can someone broken into a million unrecognizable pieces present strength when it’s simultaneously being stomped upon by what remains?! Is simply being alive considered strength? In the roughest moments, I am continually told that all that is expected of me is to keep breathing. The next step up is simply to eat whatever I can to sustain myself whenever I’m able to do so. …I repeat, what part of that is strength? Strength, to me when looking at my situation, would be the ability to end the pain. The ability to escape.

I do what I do in the day because I cannot bear to scream and bawl and heave at every moment. It’s what I end up doing at some point every day anyway….. 178 days straight of crying. 178. Yet apparently the epitome of strength. Well hallelujah!

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