Day 168: Spooks and Disbelief

It’s Halloween.
It’s 24 weeks.
It’s still unfathomable that Mark is not here.

Within hours, children will start showing up at our door. We would take turns answering the door (or running to see who got there first for the privilege!) and shouting out how many kids came in each batch to keep a running tally. How can Halloween continue to happen without him? It feels so wrong, and at the same time, I feel as though I can’t not give candy out since spoiling others was such a big part of us.

…and so the world continues on, as our world has crashed and broken…

Missing you honey, always and forever. xoxo


Day 161: Clothing

The “get-rid-of” piles in the house are getting too big and I need to start the actual ‘getting-rid-of’ phase to make room in the boxes for more eventual sorting. I’ve been going through both his and my things, in the hopes that it won’t hurt as bad when we’re both giving things away that we don’t need.

I filled a bag with clothes that he never wore, and clothes that didn’t fit me right… (Clearly we should have gotten rid of these things already.) I took my clothes to the women’s shelter, then went to the men’s… I took the bag inside with me, so I could do it in one attempt. …I couldn’t locate the office… Then located the office with some assistance from residents… Wimped out as soon as I saw it…. Went back to the vehicle and cried ….with the bag of clothes .

Mission failed.

There I was, with a bag of unworn clothes that I shouldn’t be so attached to, feeling bad giving them away, yet feeling even worse for not giving them to people who so desperately need assistance. Knowing we both would want the other to put our unneeded items towards a good cause, I also couldn’t leave with this bag still in the vehicle.

With a big thank you to technology, I located the phone number and said I was outside with a bag of clothes and was unable to come in. I criiiied handing that bag over, while muttering that I hoped the clothes would be helpful and that I would have more to bring sometime…. Whether or not he understood a word I was saying, he provided thanks and affirmed their usefulness.

– Call from outside the shelter and ask someone to come outside to pick up the bags.
– Take Kleenex…. Take a whole box.
– Have something planned with a friend afterwards so you have some support (or take them with you while you deliver!)

Day 155: Everything is Broken

…and so continues the curse of the Friday fuckups…

– no hot water
– hot water heater company tries to screw me on a ‘maintenance contract’ and a charge for servicing their own damn tank (no no no, that’s free!)
– not a hot water tank issue; it’s a plumbing issue
– plumbing part I need is not stocked anywhere anymore; a company is going to try to order one but can’t until Monday; if not available, job becomes even bigger
– I smell gas
– I have a gas leak at the furnace / water tank
– …feeling good that the gas leak is now fixed (but I literally have the same issue I had in the first place – no hot water)

– and water is still leaking into the fridge from the freezer
– and the oven isn’t cooking things properly; it’s not an easy-fix oven where I could simply replace an element

Time to learn about our appliances, vehicles, electrical, plumbing, and all that other crap that we had the privilege of not having to deal with previously.

– please, please, please let the washer and dryer continue to function……
– now off I go to shower at someone else’s house.

Day 153: Returning Home

I hate standing at my desk at the end of the work day and knowing I’m returning home, where I won’t see my husband’s huge smile and hear him rushing to the door to kiss me and help hang my jacket.

8 weeks back to work and I’m still breaking down upon entering the house while realizing I’ll never get to hold Mark again. He was truly everything I could ever dream of, and more. I’m missing him so SO much.

Day 151: Irony

Didn’t check the mail today before going into work because I didn’t want to receive any additional bad news.

…So I received a phone call to my cell instead saying there’s mismatched information on government forms submitted by the funeral home. And wrong addresses. And that they can’t do anything for me. And that it’s being sent to a different government department where I will most definitely receive no assistance as well. But they’re sorry they can’t do anything.

I’d been waiting to hear information for over 21 weeks now.

Well thank god they said they’re sorry… Because that just solved all my problems.

Here I stand, without financial support of life insurance, without any sort of survivor’s pension, without personal support, and most depressing of all, without him.

Day 149: Thanksgiving

I declined all invites for turkey dinner today and spent the day doing whatever I felt like doing. I went to visit Mark at the cemetery this morning, tell him how thankful I am that we met, loved, married, and made the most of every moment. I miss him so very much, but today it didn’t debilitate me. I worked in the garden and on the lawn, and made myself a big unique dinner (with lots of veggies that he wouldn’t like). With the added bonus of movie marathons and football on tv, it’s been a nice way to spend the day. …and I got to wear another one of the new shirts that he ‘bought’ for me yesterday. 🙂

Thankfully we didn’t make a big deal over thanksgiving. I think it was a good ‘tester holiday’ before the ones we actually celebrated happen (which is essentially every one except this one). It also helps give me security that I can tell everyone no and keep holidays in my own way. (Ooh I feel like Scrooge in saying that, but it’s true – let me keep it in my own way, and everyone else can keep it in theirs… When I’m ready to celebrate something again and so choose, I will.) No one has been pushy, and I am glad for that.

Day 148: Early Presents

I went shopping today in search for clothes that don’t gape on my body, and Mark ‘insisted’ on buying me a few Christmas presents in case they were sold out later… How sweet! He was always so good to me. No, I haven’t gone crazy… There were specific stores and themes that he always put on his shopping list to get for me, and I didn’t want to feel sad later because what he would have gotten me was sold out. When I debated today on whether it not I should splurge the extra money on something I liked (and would actually fit me properly!), Mark won out in his insistence of being able to spoil the love of his life just because he loved me so.

So go out and let your hubby spidey-senses guide you into purchasing something he wanted you to have; something that he would love to see you open with that giddy smile on your face. You deserve it. You know it, and most importantly, so did he.