Day 121: Weight loss

I’ve lost 14% of my body weight, and I didn’t have it to lose.

“You have to eat”:
“You have to eat” has been said to me every single week. …as if I don’t get it or as if I planned to lose any in the first place. I eat what I can, when I can. Some days I may be able to stomach decent (albeit still small) portions, whereas others the very thought turns my stomach and leaves me at risk of throwing up and/or running to the toilet.

I still find it hard to cook anything. ‘Dinner for one’… It’s so unappealing… unappetizing. We enjoyed cooking together, dining together, …everything together… having meals ready for the other upon arrival home, going out for date night because we didn’t feel like cooking… Now I find myself eating things he didn’t like, purely because I can’t face preparing what we typically ate together. …but this essentially leaves me with salads and fish. (…and actually, I don’t cook the fish, it’s takeout…) Cooking for others is out of the question still; there’s only one person I want to cook for, and that isn’t even me.

Eating out:
Being the last thing we did together, I have a hard time going to restaurants now. I have mastered the takeout option, and if there’s an uncrowded patio I’m able to partake… But beyond that, I’m not there yet. I’m not sure the reasoning behind… I know the restaurant had nothing to do with his death… I know dining with other people won’t erase the memory of our last meal… Let’s face it, there is just one person I want at the table with me and it’s not possible.

Single portioned meals, frozen. When I have ‘able moments’, I try to help myself in the future. Cut up the entire lettuce… Cook the entire package of bacon… Cook a few chicken breasts… Then single-portion it up and into the freezer it goes for those many days where I’m unable to stand in the kitchen, let alone cook. Unhungry, yet knowing my body needs something.

Wake up with a tense stomach. Go all day with a tense stomach. Go to bed with a tense stomach. Repeat.
Thankfully, in warning me of what stress can cause, people are now telling me to be careful of stomach ulcers. …great… I suppose I didn’t have enough to worry about already (!?); let’s just add that to the list of things I have little to no control over that can impact my current already-sad existence.

With others:
I find that I do actually eat better when I am with others. This is both good and bad.
– It’s food going into my body.
– It’s companionship to ease the alone-ness in offering a distraction.
– I don’t have visitors three times per day, nor every single day.
– I need to be able to eat properly on my own.
– It’s as if a gathering is occurring and I consistently wonder why my husband isn’t with us because he so loved entertaining.

….So…. I eat what I can, when I can…


2 thoughts on “Day 121: Weight loss

  1. Eating will come back in time, so I am told. I’ve dropped about 20 pounds, but I had it to lose. Here are few things have helped me when I’m not up to feeding myself. First, I started taking a daily multivitamin to avoid getting sick from my poor eating habits. Second, I keep cereal and milk on hand at all times. Quick and easy. If you are concerned about your weight loss, get milk with a higher fat content. Third, if my stomach is too upset or I am too stressed to even consider eating, I keep pre-mixed protein shakes on hand so I can easily replace meals with them. These are hard times and people like to judge what we eat or are not eating and preach healthy habits to us. It’s annoying and is another example of people talking around the real problem and just trying to get us to handle a symptom, which is like a pipe bursting and them telling you to grab a mop and ignoring that water is continuing to spread everywhere so no one cares about a damn mop!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I didn’t eat for the first 5 days and then slowly my appetite returned but I only wanted comfort food. I am still eating macaroni and cheese, frozen pizza, Oreos, Cheetos and anything with absolutely no nutritional value. It’s okay. The point is that you are eating. Baby steps. Do what makes you comfortable (unless it is heroin or something harmful of course) and don’t worry about it. I’ve come to believe that exercising and eating clean is overrated. My husband ate extremely healthy, although he did appreciate a late night plate of cheese and crackers, and he exercised daily. I know his heart giving out during a race was someone rare but I still wish he would have taken up stamp collecting, or even collecting a room full of action figures.

    Eating alone is the worst. I can handle breakfast and lunch but dinner? I eat crap in front of the TV and then fall asleep. I miss our Saturday and Sunday brunches more than anything but I think you will eventually find a new ritual and although it won’t be the same, it will get you through. And that is really all we can do….just get through today. Worry about tomorrow when it gets here.


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