Day 132: To my ladies

To: Pumpkin Bay, Missing Jason, Finding the Pieces, thevioletflame…

I don’t know what has made this week different for each of us, but it’s clear that this week has been extra-draining (that’s putting it mildly)…

Amongst the changing seasons, the piling housework, the financial pressures, the unhelpful relationships, the empty house, … and all the other things that load upon the darkness we feel…. I just want to say how thankful I am for each of you. For the words, thoughts, raw honesty, and feelings you share, it is heart wrenching and comforting at the same time. Though we each face our own unique battle, I am grateful that you understand the situation (despite that I hate how you came to have that understanding); I am grateful for the comments you respond with when I cannot see the light; I am grateful that despite being completely alone, I have you, and that helps me make it through to the next hour.

So, thank you…

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Day 131: Recurring Theme Dreams

I constantly dream that I am trying to contact Mark and am unable to do so. In this morning’s dream, it was via telephone. Even texting left a gaping hole in our last contact. As I tried to dial his number, I kept dialing it wrong. This is likely why I woke up – because of course I know it by heart and have for many years, and I was frustrated with myself for not getting it right – it was just causing an additional delay in my getting to speak to the one individual I so crave and dearly miss.
The other variations are: 1. that he’s away visiting, and no one will let me speak to him, 2. we’ve broken up over some minute detail and again no one will let me speak to him. The breakup ones bring me to tears upon waking up. Our relationship was so strong and neither of us had any inkling of ever leaving, but I guess my mind is looking for alternative ways to explain why I haven’t gotten to speak to him. (Who breaks up over a misinterpretation of tax legislation anyway?!?!)

Mark, I love you and miss you with all my heart and soul. “You love me and don’t you forget it!” “You’re stuck with me.” “…like superglue!” Can’t wait to be reunited.

Day 130: Ball of Sadness

I am one big ball of sadness today. I started the day off heaving and screaming for, well, I’m not sure how long… it feels endless when it occurs.

Unsure how, I managed to make it in to work. Irony was in full force…
“You look really good today!” seemed to be on repeat …wow… apparently dressing nicely and putting on extra makeup in an attempt to hide my bagged eyes and blotchy face makes me look like a normal person. Certainly they couldn’t be looking me in the eye, as I’m sure the constant sadness can be seen at any hour. “If only I felt that way on the inside” is what I wanted to reply to each and every one of them, rather than the polite thank you I gave. (…and by the way thank you for pointing out that I look like complete shit on days I thought I looked half-decent!)
Power outages caused the cancellation of meetings, leaving me with four hours of general office work which, had I known earlier while dreading getting ready for the day, could have been spent resting at home.

(…Hmm… okay on second thought maybe it would have just been a continuation of bucket-heaving of the non-food I’d eaten.)

The time comes to go home and I just sit in the parking lot. No one is waiting for me. Not one. Not anywhere.

I step into the house and sadly mumble, “I’m home sweetie” with my head hung low. 23 seconds in the door and I’m already in tears and cries once again.

130 days and I still can’t believe it. How can that be it. How can he simply be gone. This is no life now. What am I supposed to do now? …WHAT…THE…FUCK…
To those who think we can just pick up and move on, fuck you. We didn’t lose a fingernail, we didn’t lose a dog, we lost the single most important part of our lives, of ourselves, our joy, our heart, our dreams, our future, … We have lost all that meant everything to us.

And here I remain, one big ball of sadness…

Day 129: Bland

“How are you feeling today — just today” … It’s what my counsellor asks me first, each time I arrive for my appointment. Despite the consistency, it still catches off guard. What am I feeling? Shitty, alone, depressed, devastated, empty… There are so many shades of shit adjectives to choose from, yet I never quite know how to answer it. Today, however, I thought about it on my drive there… All the typical words still apply, but what word would depict it more clearly today.

… Bland …

Yes that’s fitting. Utterly and completely bland. Here I am, with no spice, no excitement, no joy, no zing… Hell there’s not even salt or pepper on me. I am here… a big lump of mushy bland tasteless mashed potatoes — likely made from powder to boot – not even a proper potato. I am missing the most crucial bits to be considered a whole. I am missing everything that makes it what it is. I am missing the happiness that pulls it all together. I am missing Mark with every breath my body continues to (somehow) take.

Now that I’ve crawled back in my wallowing hole, he welcomes me in for my appointment and asks, “so how’s today going for you?” …

Go figure.

Day 125: Missing the laughter

He’s everywhere, yet nowhere I can see….

Honey, I miss you and love you more than anything. Reminders of you are all around me… Everywhere I go, everything I see, everything I hear… Today I kept having experiences where the first thought in my head was how much I wanted to tell you when I got home, and how much we were going to laugh together…

…And then the inevitable reminder of reality…

No one else would understand those jokes. They wouldn’t be “appropriate”. No one else would have the funniest response in return. …So I sit here at the end of the day, alone, …again.

I fucking miss you at every moment of every day and night. I love you with all my heart, body, soul, and mind.

Always, forever, yours. Mykylyhycwy

Day 123: Mortgage insurance

Received good news from the bank that the mortgage insurance has come through.

….though it is good… (and needed, as I wouldn’t be able to afford it myself)… I would rather have paid a mortgage for 20, 30, 50, 100 years with my honey by my side than be mortgage-free this way.

Bittersweet.

Today is the four-month anniversary of his passing.

Day 122: Pooh bear

First off… I have never been a fan of Winnie the Pooh.
… But while procrastinating the start of the day in scrolling through Pinterest, I came across this and cried immediately.

If ever there is tomorrow when we’re not together… there is something you must always remember.
You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.
But the most important thing is, even if we’re apart… I’ll always be with you.

Mark was (and is?) my biggest cheerleader. He made me want to succeed even more than my competitive spirit did already. The support and encouragement (and sanity-checking!) was like nothing else and I truly believe we were the best versions of ourselves in being together.
So this little quote was much needed, and as always, appreciated with love.