Day 132: To my ladies

To: Pumpkin Bay, Missing Jason, Finding the Pieces, thevioletflame…

I don’t know what has made this week different for each of us, but it’s clear that this week has been extra-draining (that’s putting it mildly)…

Amongst the changing seasons, the piling housework, the financial pressures, the unhelpful relationships, the empty house, … and all the other things that load upon the darkness we feel…. I just want to say how thankful I am for each of you. For the words, thoughts, raw honesty, and feelings you share, it is heart wrenching and comforting at the same time. Though we each face our own unique battle, I am grateful that you understand the situation (despite that I hate how you came to have that understanding); I am grateful for the comments you respond with when I cannot see the light; I am grateful that despite being completely alone, I have you, and that helps me make it through to the next hour.

So, thank you…

Day 131: Recurring Theme Dreams

I constantly dream that I am trying to contact Mark and am unable to do so. In this morning’s dream, it was via telephone. Even texting left a gaping hole in our last contact. As I tried to dial his number, I kept dialing it wrong. This is likely why I woke up – because of course I know it by heart and have for many years, and I was frustrated with myself for not getting it right – it was just causing an additional delay in my getting to speak to the one individual I so crave and dearly miss.
The other variations are: 1. that he’s away visiting, and no one will let me speak to him, 2. we’ve broken up over some minute detail and again no one will let me speak to him. The breakup ones bring me to tears upon waking up. Our relationship was so strong and neither of us had any inkling of ever leaving, but I guess my mind is looking for alternative ways to explain why I haven’t gotten to speak to him. (Who breaks up over a misinterpretation of tax legislation anyway?!?!)

Mark, I love you and miss you with all my heart and soul. “You love me and don’t you forget it!” “You’re stuck with me.” “…like superglue!” Can’t wait to be reunited.

Day 130: Ball of Sadness

I am one big ball of sadness today. I started the day off heaving and screaming for, well, I’m not sure how long… it feels endless when it occurs.

Unsure how, I managed to make it in to work. Irony was in full force…
“You look really good today!” seemed to be on repeat …wow… apparently dressing nicely and putting on extra makeup in an attempt to hide my bagged eyes and blotchy face makes me look like a normal person. Certainly they couldn’t be looking me in the eye, as I’m sure the constant sadness can be seen at any hour. “If only I felt that way on the inside” is what I wanted to reply to each and every one of them, rather than the polite thank you I gave. (…and by the way thank you for pointing out that I look like complete shit on days I thought I looked half-decent!)
Power outages caused the cancellation of meetings, leaving me with four hours of general office work which, had I known earlier while dreading getting ready for the day, could have been spent resting at home.

(…Hmm… okay on second thought maybe it would have just been a continuation of bucket-heaving of the non-food I’d eaten.)

The time comes to go home and I just sit in the parking lot. No one is waiting for me. Not one. Not anywhere.

I step into the house and sadly mumble, “I’m home sweetie” with my head hung low. 23 seconds in the door and I’m already in tears and cries once again.

130 days and I still can’t believe it. How can that be it. How can he simply be gone. This is no life now. What am I supposed to do now? …WHAT…THE…FUCK…
To those who think we can just pick up and move on, fuck you. We didn’t lose a fingernail, we didn’t lose a dog, we lost the single most important part of our lives, of ourselves, our joy, our heart, our dreams, our future, … We have lost all that meant everything to us.

And here I remain, one big ball of sadness…

Day 129: Bland

“How are you feeling today — just today” … It’s what my counsellor asks me first, each time I arrive for my appointment. Despite the consistency, it still catches off guard. What am I feeling? Shitty, alone, depressed, devastated, empty… There are so many shades of shit adjectives to choose from, yet I never quite know how to answer it. Today, however, I thought about it on my drive there… All the typical words still apply, but what word would depict it more clearly today.

… Bland …

Yes that’s fitting. Utterly and completely bland. Here I am, with no spice, no excitement, no joy, no zing… Hell there’s not even salt or pepper on me. I am here… a big lump of mushy bland tasteless mashed potatoes — likely made from powder to boot – not even a proper potato. I am missing the most crucial bits to be considered a whole. I am missing everything that makes it what it is. I am missing the happiness that pulls it all together. I am missing Mark with every breath my body continues to (somehow) take.

Now that I’ve crawled back in my wallowing hole, he welcomes me in for my appointment and asks, “so how’s today going for you?” …

Go figure.

Day 125: Missing the laughter

He’s everywhere, yet nowhere I can see….

Honey, I miss you and love you more than anything. Reminders of you are all around me… Everywhere I go, everything I see, everything I hear… Today I kept having experiences where the first thought in my head was how much I wanted to tell you when I got home, and how much we were going to laugh together…

…And then the inevitable reminder of reality…

No one else would understand those jokes. They wouldn’t be “appropriate”. No one else would have the funniest response in return. …So I sit here at the end of the day, alone, …again.

I fucking miss you at every moment of every day and night. I love you with all my heart, body, soul, and mind.

Always, forever, yours. Mykylyhycwy

Day 123: Mortgage insurance

Received good news from the bank that the mortgage insurance has come through.

….though it is good… (and needed, as I wouldn’t be able to afford it myself)… I would rather have paid a mortgage for 20, 30, 50, 100 years with my honey by my side than be mortgage-free this way.

Bittersweet.

Today is the four-month anniversary of his passing.

Day 122: Pooh bear

First off… I have never been a fan of Winnie the Pooh.
… But while procrastinating the start of the day in scrolling through Pinterest, I came across this and cried immediately.

If ever there is tomorrow when we’re not together… there is something you must always remember.
You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.
But the most important thing is, even if we’re apart… I’ll always be with you.

Mark was (and is?) my biggest cheerleader. He made me want to succeed even more than my competitive spirit did already. The support and encouragement (and sanity-checking!) was like nothing else and I truly believe we were the best versions of ourselves in being together.
So this little quote was much needed, and as always, appreciated with love.

Day 121: Weight loss

I’ve lost 14% of my body weight, and I didn’t have it to lose.

“You have to eat”:
“You have to eat” has been said to me every single week. …as if I don’t get it or as if I planned to lose any in the first place. I eat what I can, when I can. Some days I may be able to stomach decent (albeit still small) portions, whereas others the very thought turns my stomach and leaves me at risk of throwing up and/or running to the toilet.

Cooking:
I still find it hard to cook anything. ‘Dinner for one’… It’s so unappealing… unappetizing. We enjoyed cooking together, dining together, …everything together… having meals ready for the other upon arrival home, going out for date night because we didn’t feel like cooking… Now I find myself eating things he didn’t like, purely because I can’t face preparing what we typically ate together. …but this essentially leaves me with salads and fish. (…and actually, I don’t cook the fish, it’s takeout…) Cooking for others is out of the question still; there’s only one person I want to cook for, and that isn’t even me.

Eating out:
Being the last thing we did together, I have a hard time going to restaurants now. I have mastered the takeout option, and if there’s an uncrowded patio I’m able to partake… But beyond that, I’m not there yet. I’m not sure the reasoning behind… I know the restaurant had nothing to do with his death… I know dining with other people won’t erase the memory of our last meal… Let’s face it, there is just one person I want at the table with me and it’s not possible.

Freezer:
Single portioned meals, frozen. When I have ‘able moments’, I try to help myself in the future. Cut up the entire lettuce… Cook the entire package of bacon… Cook a few chicken breasts… Then single-portion it up and into the freezer it goes for those many days where I’m unable to stand in the kitchen, let alone cook. Unhungry, yet knowing my body needs something.

Stress:
Wake up with a tense stomach. Go all day with a tense stomach. Go to bed with a tense stomach. Repeat.
Thankfully, in warning me of what stress can cause, people are now telling me to be careful of stomach ulcers. …great… I suppose I didn’t have enough to worry about already (!?); let’s just add that to the list of things I have little to no control over that can impact my current already-sad existence.

With others:
I find that I do actually eat better when I am with others. This is both good and bad.
Good:
– It’s food going into my body.
– It’s companionship to ease the alone-ness in offering a distraction.
Bad:
– I don’t have visitors three times per day, nor every single day.
– I need to be able to eat properly on my own.
– It’s as if a gathering is occurring and I consistently wonder why my husband isn’t with us because he so loved entertaining.

….So…. I eat what I can, when I can…

Day 116: Positive People

‘Friends who want to be friends, will be friends.’
This is my new motto for the week. As I look around myself, I recognize that there is little to no chance that I can continue to be surrounded by those I once was. I keep allowing people in, only to end up more hurt and with more unnecessary/misplaced guilt. I didn’t do anything wrong, so I shouldn’t have to put up with others treating me like I have. I shouldn’t have to defend the relationship that I held with my husband. We love one another more than anything and lived it every single day.

So… Friends who want to be friends will be friends. They will show it through their actions and words. And those that don’t, don’t matter.

Day 111: A Conversation

A conversation with a girl friend today…:

“As useless as this is you need to work at stopping worrying about things you have zero control over. You need to live your life. Best that you can.

“Thank you

“You are welcome but for what?

“For giving me permission to grieve and feel and do what I believe is best. For offering me a sense of sanity in an insane world. For helping me see when I cannot see. For guiding me when I know no path.
I do very much appreciate it. I know you know, but I hope you know how much it means to me.

“I love you too. Everyone grieves in their own way.

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To those who help us… Thank you.