Day 103: Returning to work…

I knew returning to work would have tough moments, but didn’t want to sit at home all alone with nothing to do except cry, so was almost thankful for something regular to do in the day time that would get me out of the house and give me a task to complete.

Despite being a full-time employee, the hours aren’t like a typical full-time job (much less and fairly flexible). On top of this, they don’t expect too much out of me, as long as I show up and prepare as required. So all-in-all, I don’t think I could ever ask for an easier schedule or workload. (Phew..)

Day 1 of work I was productive. I only stayed four hours, but I felt I made good progress. A colleague who had always promised support showed his true colours which left me so angry; this is likely why I couldn’t stay any longer.

Slept horribly due to nightmares and spent most of the night awake until the sun came up when I managed to catch an extra hour.

Day 2 of work was significantly less productive, along with concentration difficulty. I may have managed 3 hours before throwing the towel in and going to sit at the cemetery.

Day 3… Complete lack of motivation and concentration. I printed a document, copied it, filled out a form, and streamed a live meeting that was occurring within the very building I was in, to avoid putting myself in an anxious situation. So essentially, I got dick-all done today (…I’m pretty sure playing Hearts, Minesweeper, and eating Jo Louis’ don’t count as work…).

I started to breakdown and decided that was my queue to go. Cried while driving, then completely broke down when I got into the house… Full-on screaming, bawling, heaving, and stuck on my hands, knees and curled into a ball unable to move.

…it leaves me wondering… Am I ready for work? Can I make it through a full day? What happens next week when I have to be there for specific hours on specific days…?
…if I can’t work… that would mean I need to get to a doctor for a note, no? …and I don’t want to be pushed to take any medication. Grieving isn’t the same as clinical depression. …what does everyone do?!


One thought on “Day 103: Returning to work…

  1. I agree with your decision not to take medication. I tried that for a couple months and all it did was delay the inevitable feelings I needed to feel. And it also made me completely out of my head. Returning to work was very difficult for me as well. Everyone around me is still living the life they did before April 13th but I’m not…and so I just feel resentful and bitter when coworkers complain about something that isn’t a problem, like the copier being jammed, or car troubles. I have to constantly remind myself that those around me don’t understand how I feel, and I wouldn’t have understood either had it not happened to me.

    I have a quote taped to my computer and it helps me feel a little more resilient when I feel like giving in.

    “Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.”


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