Day 52: Taunting

I am sad and angry and so fucking alone. Even when people come to visit (though it’s less and less by the day), I still feel very alone. No… I AM very alone. For the rest of my living days. I crave Mark and only Mark. I miss his smile, his face, his sweet voice telling me he loves me, his touch, his affection, his laughter, the joy he brought to every single day… I miss everything.
I am no longer the same person. I never will be. How could I be. I’m shattered and there’s no way to put the pieces together. The biggest most important pieces are missing and there are holes in the rest.
I feel less of a desire to see those closest to me. Or even speak to them. I don’t know if this is a defence mechanism? Or maybe an outward expression of the sorrow and loneliness I feel? Yet I know this is just the beginning of the loneliness. The empty days ahead taunt me. The excited messages from others of the fun activities they do with their partners taunt me… It’s what Mark and I would be doing together. Always together. Together forever.
…forever. …but what about now? What is this? I cannot hear, see, or feel him. Where is the love we shared? I can feel the love — The love I have for him… The love in all the photos and memories… But never again can I touch that love, sense that love, be with My Love, the Love of my life.

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