Day 75: “Move on”

I feel like I could seriously flip out at the next person who thinks it’s a good idea to tell me that Mark would want me to “move on”, and “you’re still young and will marry again”. It’s a disrespectful slap in the face. I don’t want anyone else. I don’t want another husband. I already hit the jackpot and became the luckiest woman in the world. How dare anyone put words in his mouth. Yes, sure, he would want me to eventually be happy again…but he wouldn’t expect it for some time, and who says happiness equates to remarrying? We had the best relationship I have ever seen or heard of anyone having. That cannot be replaced. It will not be replaced. Yes to happiness. No to the idea that it must include my attachment to another man.

Day 75: Thank you for you

I have cried for 75 days straight. I have missed you every second of every day and night. I love you more than anything.

Tonight I went to a painting event to keep myself occupied with something…anything… I came home with a nice painting done by yours truly …but I didn’t get to show it off to you. Here I stood in the living room, holding my painting up for you to see, asking aloud if you liked it. I couldn’t hear anything. Just my own voice and the silence of the empty house. You were always so proud of me. For anything and everything that I did. It was so inspiring and made me want to continue to strive for better and best. Your ever-present support and excitement in everything I did was astounding and very much appreciated. It made me feel special. It made me feel important. It made me feel the whole-hearted love you so freely shared with me every single day.

I miss you Mark. Every second, every minute, every 7/24. (Yes I said it your way even though it’s backwards ;)) You’re the greatest gift I could have wished for in the universe and the most precious gift I have and will ever receive from this world. I thank you for that. I thank you for sharing your amazing love with me. I thank you for making me the luckiest woman in the universe. Thank you for being you, and for loving me.

Day 68: I hope you held my hand

I miss you.
I missed you today.
I went to the *******. …one of the items on the tour you and I had planned. It was a “Mark stop”. I broke down within 5 minutes of walking through the gate. Bagpipes, kilts, the fort itself, cannons… You would love it. I hope you were with me. I hope you sat with me while I cried. I hope you walked around to see everything with me. I miss you. I always miss you. Whenever I am. Whatever I’m doing. I’m missing you.
Next I went to ******. It was beautiful. But empty without your physical presence. Again, I hope you walked with me. I hope you held my hand. I hope you saw the calm peaceful surroundings that we were going to see together.
I love you, Mark. I love you and miss you with all my heart and soul. I cannot wait to be with you again.

Day 59: Perspective

Do you bawl aloud for long periods every single day? Does it involve screaming at top volume? Can you make a meal for yourself? Can you buy milk or bread? Can you eat a normal sized meal? Have you lost significant weight? Is it over 10% of your body weight? Can you eat at a restaurant? Can you go out in public without becoming severely overwhelmed and anxious? Can you walk through a store, any store, without breaking down into tears? Can you read your mail without breaking down into tears? Can you work? Can you focus on anything for any amount of time? Can you look around your home and find anything that isn’t a reminder? Can you imagine a day without him right by your side, a night without being wrapped in one another’s arms, or even a few hours without his hugs, kisses, and ‘I love you’s? Do you have a future? Do you want to die rather than face a day without him? Can you make plans more than 1-2 days in advance? Do those plans have to be flexible so you can break them at the last minute when you’re having a major breakdown and are so sick to your stomach you cannot move? Did all of your hopes and dreams involve him? Did you lose the single most important thing in your entire life? Did you willing spend years of your life working towards a future together? Did you consider each other the love of your life? Have you ever met someone you loved more in your entire life?

Day 57: To what end

I try to ensure I have something to do each day. …to keep me occupied… …to keep me sane… …to distract me from the pain and sorrow… As if the distraction for the day will bring me to a time when you’ve returned to me. …from wherever you’ve been… …work, visiting, the store… But the day finishes and I cannot see you, I cannot hold you, I cannot kiss you while telling you how much I love you. So I make a plan for the next day… …to keep me occupied… …to keep me sane… …to distract me from the pain and sorrow… and it repeats all over again.
To what end… A never ending cycle…

Day 52: Taunting

I am sad and angry and so fucking alone. Even when people come to visit (though it’s less and less by the day), I still feel very alone. No… I AM very alone. For the rest of my living days. I crave Mark and only Mark. I miss his smile, his face, his sweet voice telling me he loves me, his touch, his affection, his laughter, the joy he brought to every single day… I miss everything.
I am no longer the same person. I never will be. How could I be. I’m shattered and there’s no way to put the pieces together. The biggest most important pieces are missing and there are holes in the rest.
I feel less of a desire to see those closest to me. Or even speak to them. I don’t know if this is a defence mechanism? Or maybe an outward expression of the sorrow and loneliness I feel? Yet I know this is just the beginning of the loneliness. The empty days ahead taunt me. The excited messages from others of the fun activities they do with their partners taunt me… It’s what Mark and I would be doing together. Always together. Together forever.
…forever. …but what about now? What is this? I cannot hear, see, or feel him. Where is the love we shared? I can feel the love — The love I have for him… The love in all the photos and memories… But never again can I touch that love, sense that love, be with My Love, the Love of my life.