Day 9: “How are you”

Don’t ask me how I am. I’m devastated, heartbroken, lost, alone and scared shitless. And before you ask me again, it’s not about to change by tomorrow.
If you must create small-talk, maybe ask me what I’m doing. Most of the time it won’t be anything, but it allows you to check in without reference to the obvious.
Don’t ask me about the future. I just lost my future. I now have no idea what it holds for me. Not even tomorrow. Hell I don’t even know what I’m going to be doing in one hour. I just cannot bear to see that far when I know it must be on my own.
Don’t ask me if I’d like something; just bring it or set it up – but do not be disappointed or surprised if I don’t want any part. It’s not against you. It’s simply that I am unable at this time. This may include simple basics: eating, walking, talking, or moving.
When I do something, don’t stare at me. It’s less likely to promote that I will make the effort to do it again when you are around. And really, it’s small things that I can’t live without doing like eating or drinking.
Don’t whisper. I can hear you. But small talk about how nice things are will drive me up the wall. There is nothing nice about this. I am incapable of seeing any beauty at this time. Everywhere I look, I see loss. Lost chances, lost opportunities, a lost future. How could I begin to rebuild when the foundation has crumbled.

I miss him and love him with all my heart and soul. I don’t want to face a day without him by my side.


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