Day 14: Abnormal norm

The house is so empty. The house is so quiet. Everything we built together, the life we shared and treasured sits around me, but without you, it is painful and empty.

I break down crying, realizing I won’t see you walk these grounds again and I don’t understand how that is possible. How can I live on with such a huge hole in my life. How can I live when my heart lies with you, yet at the same time knowing that is the only place it belongs.
You are my heart, you are my soul. You are my one, only, and everything.

They tell me I must eat. That I must survive. What am I surviving for?
I’m scared. Scared to live without you by my side. Scared to face this world alone. Scared for a life without kissing you and holding you.

I sit here in one of our lounger chairs and look to the other … I can imagine your smiling face as many times as I like but you never appear. Your soft sweet touch and soothing voice exist only in my mind. Your humour to lighten the mood escapes amidst the silence. And somehow…this is to become the norm. So abnormal. So unnatural. So grotesque.

I miss you millions and love you beyond eternity.
I don’t know how to do this.

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Day 10: Past, present, and future

Ten days since I got to kiss your sweet lips, hold your warm hand, squeeze you tight, dance and laugh with you, sing, and smile. I miss you immensely and it’s cruel to wake up each day to your side of the bed being cold and empty, and not hearing your sweet voice telling me you love me.

I love you with all my heart and soul. When you passed away, I did too. Yet somehow we are in two different worlds. I hate that words spoken of you are in the past tense. You are my past, my present, and my future, the love of my life, my one and only.

I am terrified to continue on without you and yet know I have no choice. People say it will get better with time… Time… The one thing we didn’t get enough of is now taunting us.

Yesterday I walked through the memorial grounds and saw the many graves of loving married couples. The wives lived for so many years beyond their mates… How… How can anyone ‘move on’, ‘carry on’, or even live… But then who am I kidding; this isn’t living. Screaming, crying, dry heaving, and curling up on the floor is not living.

I miss you, I love you, I miss you, I love you. A zillion times over, every moment of every day.

Day 9: “How are you”

Don’t ask me how I am. I’m devastated, heartbroken, lost, alone and scared shitless. And before you ask me again, it’s not about to change by tomorrow.
If you must create small-talk, maybe ask me what I’m doing. Most of the time it won’t be anything, but it allows you to check in without reference to the obvious.
Don’t ask me about the future. I just lost my future. I now have no idea what it holds for me. Not even tomorrow. Hell I don’t even know what I’m going to be doing in one hour. I just cannot bear to see that far when I know it must be on my own.
Don’t ask me if I’d like something; just bring it or set it up – but do not be disappointed or surprised if I don’t want any part. It’s not against you. It’s simply that I am unable at this time. This may include simple basics: eating, walking, talking, or moving.
When I do something, don’t stare at me. It’s less likely to promote that I will make the effort to do it again when you are around. And really, it’s small things that I can’t live without doing like eating or drinking.
Don’t whisper. I can hear you. But small talk about how nice things are will drive me up the wall. There is nothing nice about this. I am incapable of seeing any beauty at this time. Everywhere I look, I see loss. Lost chances, lost opportunities, a lost future. How could I begin to rebuild when the foundation has crumbled.

I miss him and love him with all my heart and soul. I don’t want to face a day without him by my side.

Day 1: Love of my life

The love of my life,
The very best person I’ve ever met in my entire life,
My one true love,
My all time favourite everything,
My best friend in the entire world,
And above all, the man I was so lucky to have had the opportunity to have as my husband.
I love you and miss you, for all of eternity.